IT’S! THE! NUTSHACK!

I have seen a wide range of cartoons, whether they be great, okay, bad, or just plain terrible. But with that in mind, none of them, and I mean NONE OF THEM, can manage to hold a candle to the sheer, unmitigated piece of crap that is…The Nutshack.

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Developed and touted as an adult animated series marketed for a Filipino demographic, the series revolves around a self-centered Filipino-American named Phil and his cousin from the Philippines, the slow but friendly Jack, as they frequently find themselves in a never ending series of Wacky And Totally Raunchy™ misadventures while living with their uncle, Tito “Dick” Dickman (subtle). Years after its’ end, however, the show has garnered a reputation as not only one of the worst adult cartoons ever made, but one of the worst cartoons, PERIOD. With that said, however, is it really that bad? Hell yes, but in order to get a better understanding as to why, let’s take a look at one of the episodes, “El Bombadero”.

The episode starts off in Phil, Jack, and Dick’s apartment, and already there’s so, so many things wrong. For starters, the animation is just awful in every sense of the word. Of course, this show was made during a time when television shows animated with Flash was a relatively young technique, but even then it can’t excuse just how stiff and unappealing it is. Secondly, the voice acting. I’ve heard some bad voice acting before, but not to the point where I actually have trouble trying to make out what the characters are saying. Thirdly, this thing.

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What the hell is that!? A cyborg Mogwai? Also, his voice acting is so bad and high-pitched that they actually had to put subtitles for his dialogue. Anyways, after an unfunny drug joke and a remarkably terrible theme song, we cut to Phil and Jack getting ready for a night of spraying graffiti throughout San Fransisco (or “bombing” as it’s referred to in the episode), when Phil’s friend and Jack’s love interest Chita shows up to inform the guys about the death of Monty, an infamous spray painter who Chita went to high school with. Despite an anchorman reporting Monty’s demise on television stating a ban on graffiti throughout San Fransisco by authorities, Phil plans to go ahead with his bombing plans and manages to distract Chita with the Legendary Edition of Halo 3. In an graffiti-strewn graffiti, Phil tells Jack why graffiti is so great, saying that the rush you get from it “grows hair on your nuts”, followed by –

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…yeah, I TOTALLY needed that imprinted into my brain. Anyways, Phil and Jack meet up with a group of spray-painters (whose names I don’t remember nor care enough to do so), with one of them mistaking Horatio (the aforementioned cyborg Mogwai…rat…whatever) for a bong, because bongs are hilarious or something. While they go on a bombing spree, Dick (who’s somehow still under the influence of the drugs from the opening) stumbles around until he stumbles across one of the spray-painters, followed by a dragged out sequence of the two just saying “what” to each other. As the cops inevitably arrive, the guys are forced to make a break for it, and…the scene just randomly ends and cuts to Jack and Horatio the next day. Transitions? What are these “Transitions” you speak of!? Anyways, Jack and Horatio discover that the entirety of San Fransisco has been covered in graffiti, and while following the trail, they’re led to the culprits and the two main antagonists of the series (or at least, the closest it has to one), Jerome and Jamal. The two are ambushed by the duo’s…gangster ninja clan, and the duo reveal that they have Phil and Chita hostage. Jerome and Jamal reveal their intentions behind their crime, saying that it was revenge for Phil, Jack, and the others for spraying over Jerome’s territory. Jerome explains that unless the group become their servants, they will be killed. After Jack refuses to hand over Horatio to Jerome and Jamal for reprogramming purposes, he is shot in the head and killed.

Oh, how I wish it was, Porky. So yeah, believe it or not it doesn’t up and end there. Instead, as Phil is about to be killed, the group that him and Jack ran into earlier show up and slaughter the crap out of the ninjas, followed by Jack getting resurrected by Jesus Christ. I would follow that with a “believe me, that actually happens”, but at this point anyone can go, I guess. At a bar where Jerome, Jamal, and the ninjas are keeping Chita and Horatio hostage, Jack shows up to rescue them in a lame parody of Zorro, followed by an equally lame fight scene, ultimately ending the episode off with Jerome and Jamal both tied up in a similar fashion to a pinata, about to be hit (and presumably killed) by a fat Hawaiian guy.

So, that was an episode of The Nutshack. Needless to say, it’s one of those shows that has to be legitimately seen to be believed. It’s not even bad in an ironic or humorous way, it’s a genuinely horrid piece of work. But hey, at least we can rest safe knowing that there won’t be any more adult animation on the same level as this –

…*sigh*

BONUS QUESTION: How was your Christmas?

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The Future Of Spyro

With the return of a certain bandicoot circulating throughout the gaming community, I felt inclined to make a thread on a character closely related to him…

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Debuting as the titular protagonist of the 1998 PlayStation 3D platform game as well as the then-mascot of Insomniac Games, Spyro the Dragon has went on to become one of the major poster boys of just how far a video game franchise can fall. I’m not joking about that, by the way – from the broken mess that was Enter the Dragonfly, the average-at-best Legend trilogy, to the franchise’s current state as a plastic afterthought, it could be argued that Sonic has had better luck trying to have a consistent track record when it comes to games. Hell, at least a handful of his more recent games have managed to receive positive reception; nearly all of the Spyro games released from 2001 all the way to 2008 weren’t even able to garner a reception higher than “just okay”! However, that’s besides the point. With rumors spreading around that Skylanders might be facing the end of the road due to a large decline in interest of the “toys-to-life” genre, there’s one question that I honestly think needs to be addressed: If this turned out to be the case, what would Spyro’s future be?

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Of course, some might argue “Oh, it’s no big deal. They’ll just make remakes of the first three games like what they’re doing with Crash”, but that at least to me, I don’t think that would be the case. When you compare Crash’s games with Spyro’s games after Naughty Dog and Insomniac respectively left them behind, there was more of a sense of desperation to keep Spyro afloat. Crash’s post-ND games, while gradually straying further and further away from the formula the original games laid down, managed to have some level of faithfulness to them nonetheless, if that makes sense. Spyro, on the other hand? Well, the reception for most of the post-Insomniac titles, one quick glance at TLOS and what Skylanders was originally going to be can really say it all, to be honest.

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Going back to the topic of Skylanders potentially ending, one thing that raises more concern than anything else is just what Activision would do with Spyro following this. Would they wait a couple or so years and go back to the drawing board? Would they just lock him away in a vault, never to be seen or heard from again? Or would they just put him up for sale? Nobody knows for sure – after all this is just a rumor. So, we’ll just have to wait and see what the future holds.

BONUS QUESTION: What is one notable thing about my art?